HBO ‘Girls’ Season 4 Episode 3 'Female Author' Recap & SPOILERS: The 14 Best Quotes From This Week's Memorable Talk-Fest [PHOTOS]

Welcome to our recap of HBO's Girls Season 3 Episode 4 "Female Author": there was drama aplenty, a couple of arrests, plenty of peeing in public places and Jemima Kirke's naked butt. With Hannah (Lena Dunham) and Elijah (Andrew Rannells) settling into their new life in Iowa, we rejoined Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) and her job hunt, hung out at AA with Adam (Adam Driver) and Jessa (Kirke) and saw Marnie (Allison Williams) and Desi's (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) relationship reach a breaking point.

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

We rejoin everybody in the now-usual manner of Hannah chatting via skype to Jessa back in New York City, and surreptitiously asking about Adam. Through this we learn that both he and Jessa are attending AA and are in constant contact... but Adam isn't asking after Hannah. Ouch.  As a consolation, however, Hannah is presented with a very graphic display of Jessa's naked butt. 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Yup. That was our intro to "Female Author". And here are the fourteen best quotes from an episode full of them.

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Marie: "He puts his hand on my butt while we're waiting in line at starbucks, he makes me look at him when he cums."

We join Marnie and Ray talking about Desi, with Marnie delivering a number of classic lines, something of a habit so far this season. Marnie explains their relationship thusly: "We text goodnight, I met his cousin, he puts his hand on my butt while we're waiting in line at starbucks, he makes me look at him when he cums."

Ray, as usual, is the voice of reason saying that she is "one thousand percent the mistress" and, as Marnie defends Desi for not breaking up with his girlfriend Clementine as it could affect her health, Ray lays out how Desi is a scumbag. He's "a Svenagli counting cards with four queens up his sleeve".  

"Is it because he called you a 'hepcat' that one time?" accuses Marnie. 

No, points out Ray. "Anyone who would treat you this way is selfish. And a coward.

And we've already established that he has one massive character flaw; which is that he hasn't chosen you." 

They then hook up. Because of course they do. 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Shoshanna: "Y'know, to hone my skills, like the firmness of my handshake and the walkability of these heels."

Shoshanna has a great job interview - in which she's offered the position - but unfortunately it turns out Shosh was simply suing it to "hone her skills, like, the firmness of my handshake and the walkability of these heels."

It's amazing. But you get the feeling that she may've planned everything a bit too well. Saying a job interview - where you're offered the job on the spot - is "a run-through before I had an interview for a job that I was deeply passionate about" is perfectly naive of Shosh.

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Desi: "We're not together. That's a common mistake." 

The Desi and Marnie record company meeting scene - about getting "balls rolling" and a dude named Marcos - is terrific and terrible all at the same time. The fawning music industry types glowing over a terrible Desi and Marnie song, is atrociously broad stroked and imbecilic. 

But the way Desi sits there stroking Marnie's hair as their impossibly bad song plays and the record company shills gush over it... and then ask how long the two have been together is brilliantly awkward.

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Adam: "Every time I got her on the phone, all she wanted to do was talk about stupid shit, like 'They sell donuts at the movie theater' or whatever, nothing real."

Adam and Jessa hanging out and warming to each other with their shared AA experience - and Adam opening up to Jessa about Hannah not wanting to talk about anything 'real' - is perfect. Even better is the obviously problematic side issue that Jessa is not telling Hannah anything about what's really going on with Adam. 

We also learn that Jessa has now replaced crack and God in one poor guy's life, while Adam wonders if he can throw out all of Hannah's fridge magnets? Nice. 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Marnie: "I'm not meant to be someone's mistress." 

All you need to know about Desi being a douchebag is summed up as Marnie basically lays out the law to Desi in Times Square in yet another terrific Allison Williams scene.

Desi - the kind of d-bag who calls girls 'bella' - responds perfectly when Marnie states "It's normal for someone to not want the person that they're sleeping with to be sleeping with somebody else." 

"Yeah, I think that's a very culturally specific statement," is his predictably douchey response. 

He rabbits on about their "incredible, explosive sexually collaborative musical love relationship," and says that maybe Marnie needs tofigure out what she really wants. Here's hoping it's not a douchebag actor/musician like Desi. 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Jessa: "How about I send you my gynecologist bill when I get an UTI."

Adam and Jessa hanging out and talking about their 'sober birthdays' was bound to end in trouble. Jessa, of course, decides to pee in public and once she's spotted and written up by the police, she resists arrest after tearing up the ticket. Poor Adam is dragged into it too. 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Elijah: "I realized I'd gotten so good at selfies that I wasn't feeling challenged any more. I wondered 'What would happen if I turned the camera... around?' It was a real epiphany for me Hannah." 

Elijah and Hannah hit the poet's party, and Hannah says she doesn't "feel good,  I think I have mono." Elijah's response is amazing: "For like the fifth time? Maybe it's finally something more serious."

Elijah sums up all of Hannah's problems, saying, "It's just you. You're uncomfortable in your own skin and you think it's everyone else's problem. But y'know what? Wherever you are there you go!" 

Hannah, though, is struggling with the concept of being a writer and, well, writing. All she wants to do is "google the one month where Woody Harrelson and Glenn Close were a couple."

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Elijah: "Do you think Dakota Fanning wants to be Dakota Fanning?"
Hannah: "One hundred percent. being Dakota Fanning is amazing; you get so many free boots." 

Elijah and Hannah get deeper into figuring out who you "want to be", and Hannah (us, too) discover that when Elijah gave up "5,6,7,8ing into rooms" and stopped being a dancer, "It was the biggest relief in the world." 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Hannah: "Being pigeonholed isn't fun."

After talking about "blogs that become books that become TV shows", Hannah takes on her writing group, and rails the "patriarchal bullshit female authors have been dealing with for hundreds of years."

Hannah: "That's what history does to you." 

Bristling at the idea that she's the 50 Shade of Grey populist among them, she characterizes the rest of her group: Jeffrey (Peter Mark Kendall) the "rich whiny little white guy, thinks he's Updike" who probably only has one ball; Chester (Jason Kim) the "tragically hip gaysian,"; Chandra (Desiree Akhavan) "who was blessed with an exotic name and now gets to be the first and foremost authority on third world issues right here in Iowa,"; Priya (Zuzanna Szadkowski) keeps writing about "Prison in the south," Logan (Marin Ireland) is a "storm cloud over the whole classroom", and D'August (Ato Essandoh) is golden boy of the program "but this patron saint of the streets thing is bullshit." 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Ray: "We live in a society that's buttressed by decency and respect. We don't resist arrest, tackle police officers" or "Urinate on the sidewalk."

Ray bails out Adam and Jesse and delivers a touching lecture. Also, they owe him "three grand."

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Adam: "You're a bad influence." 

Exiting the police station, Adam tells Jessa to "grow up", and points out that he saw her do this "all the time with Hannah, you getting her into all these ridiculous situations, just walking away and being fucking manipulative," but she's "sober and still pulling this shit." He adds that he doesn't need any more friends. And walks away. 

Jessa scoffs and yells, "Oh, so none is enough for you?" .... Before reconsidering and saying.... 

(Photo : Screenshot Courtesy of HBO)

Jessa: "Please. Adam I really need you to be my friend." 

(Oh... and Hannah has her bike stolen again and gets a lift home in a horse and buggy from a local Mennonite. Nice.) 

The next episode of HBO's Girls, "Cubbies" airs on Sunday Feb.1 at 9 p.m.