Scorpion New Episode Review: 'Young Hearts Spark Fire' Only Sparks Boredom

CBS' Scorpion came back with a new episode on Monday night entitled "Young Hearts Spark Fire."

Let's just get this over with.

We've well established that Scorpion is a completely absurd and ridiculous show. I'm not going to get into a litany of complaints about what the show does wrong because 1) I don't have that kind of time and 2) that's not the point of this review.

But no matter how many times my eyes rolled during a given episode (and at times my eyes were rolling like a damn bowling ball speeding down the lane), Scorpion at least had charm. When Walter O'Brien would break out of prison using only a shirt, or make a man pass out by snapping his fingers, or avert World War III with the blood of a ferret and a salad spinner, I at least laughed a ridiculous laugh and said "What the hell did I just watch?"

"Young Hearts Spark Fire" had all the trademark nonsense that Scorpion spits out every week, but this week was just...boring. Ordinarily, I can at least get invested in what's going on with the plot of the week. The last episode had some stakes, at the very least. Sure, it was completely preposterous that Team Scorpion was trying to prevent all-out war by saving the life of a diplomat via a trip to the local zoo. But the consequences would have been dire.

This week, yes, hikers would have lost their lives. But from the start of the episode, my only thought was "Why is the Scorpion team even here?" Was there really no one else that could save these people? I get that Team Scorpion ultimately did make the difference and save the lost people. But why are these characters, who are contracted by the government and work for Homeland Security, spending time saving people in a forest?

And because Scorpion, things went horribly, horribly wrong from the get-go. The helicopter the team was in crashed, but of course no one was dead or even seriously injured except for the pilot. After everyone got to safety, the helicopter explodes because of course it does and causes a forest fire because of course it does. A bunch of stuff happens, and 40 minutes of our lives later everyone is saved and we get a montage at the end of the episode.

The only true forward momentum of this episode was on the romantic front, where Toby and Happy decided to go out on a real date and advance their relationship. Toby also pestered Walter about his feelings for Paige, and Walter did his usual Walter thing and denied it all. But when he and Paige were about to die, he held her hand. Let's just get these two kids together already so we can all move on with our lives.

Next week's episode involves a witness, a drug cartel, and a 1970s van. Can't wait.